By that time, I had regained most of my senses. I could tell some wrong from some right. I knew this man was a homophobe, not because he linked all my troubles to my homosexuality, but because he said homosexuality was wrong. I haven't seen him again. I went to see Dr Genest (not her true name, but she reminded me of the actress). She was a good listener, she wasn't giving advice, she was helping me coming up with my own decisions.

The whole problem, here, is that I've lost more than two months of my life. I can hardly remember what happend in late july, august and early september '07. I know that I've rejected many people's help. I know that I've had discussions over the phone with my parents. I know I've had crisis over mundane matters - money, sex, games. I know I've told the LGBT's center I was walking out before I slammed my fist into her delicate face.

I miss many people, Johann, Fred or Stéphane most of all. I don't feel strong enough to meet them. I've tried and flew away as fast as was socially acceptable. Yet, in other cases, I've at last been able to contact former friends or lovers and explained things to them. How coward I was, how disregarding I'd been - and most importantly, why those things had happened.

I've shut my life to women, I know ; and I don't mean only my sexual life. I've got very few female friends, and they are no threat. Christine is a threat, for instance - I still can't face her, though I've tried. I do find it pleasurable and easy to be with other gay men. I'm still very unstable, whatever I say, write or would have you believe.

One of the reasons I want to go to London next month is to change things. I haven't lefet Paris for months, except when I've travelled to my parent's. I need to change my mind. I need to be with someone who doesn't realy on me except for our mutual friendship and pleasure. I need some time alone. I miss being alone, and I miss being with my friends. I miss playing cards up to 2 AM. I miss playing D&D. I miss singing out loud. I miss dancing. I miss him and always will, even though it's been 10 years, now, since he'd been hit by a car and died before the discotheque. I wish I could stop crying just because I think of him or hear about things that happen to people just the way it happened to us as it did this very week-end. I miss the change, I miss the people, I miss the music, I miss being younger and slimmer. I miss Gildas, that annoying cartomancer who fought and fought but lost his fight last year. I will miss being a teacher. I will miss being a research engineer. I will miss working with all those people around me, although we'll still be in touch.

No, I'm not sick, I'm not mad at me. I just don't feel like everything's going great - though it go far worse.